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WON'T YOU BE MY FRIEND TONIGHT?

I DON'T EAT MUCH



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I don't agonize much -
- when I can enjoy your suffering;
I don't apologize much -
- everything is your fault;
I don't ask for much -
- more than the shirt off your back;
I don't ask for your help much -
- but I send my kids stark naked to visit you;
I don't ask for your help with the rent much -
- as long as my foolish parents pay it;
I don't balance my checkbook much -
- when you don't put money in my account;
I don't bathe much -
- so please give me some perfume;
I don't believe in competition much -
- when the world has infinite resources;
I don't believe in empty space much -
- but my teachers said I had it between my ears;
I don't believe in hot air much -
- but I do wear heavy shoes;
I don't believe in much -
- that I can hear with my own ears;
I don't believe in much -
- that I can see with my own eyes;
I don't believe in much -
- that I can smell with my own nose;
I don't believe in much -
- that I can touch with my own hands;
I don't believe in much -
- that is plausible;
I don't believe in much -
- that is possible;
I don't believe in much -
- that is probable;
I don't believe in much -
- that is verifiable;
I don't believe in much -
- that isn't in the dogma;
I don't believe in oral rapport much -
- except with leaders who don't inhale;
I don't believe in STD much -
- and lifetime herpes is a myth;
I don't blame myself much -
- when you will do;
I don't brush my teeth much -
- when "friends" put a pillow over my head;
I don't buy much -
- for you;
I don't buy much -
- that has real utility value;
I don't buy much -
- that I really need;
I don't buy much -
- that isn't in the store;
I don't buy much -
- with money from my own earnings;
I don't capitalize my nouns much -
- nothing in life is important;
I don't care how I look much -
- when it is easy to find blind "friends";
I don't care how I stink much -
- when my "friends" smoke and don't notice;
I don't care if your job is killing you much -
- work harder so I can play some more;
I don't care what people say about me much -
- and you need a hearing aid;
I don't carry a purse or wallet much -
- pigs are my best friends;
I don't carry a purse or wallet much -
- you must give order to my life;
I don't carry on in bed much -
- more people can hear me at the dentist;
I don't check my spelling much -
- you can guess what I mean;
I don't come to see you much -
- unless I want something;
I don't cook much -
- but you can open a can;
I don't crepitate in bed much -
- when your boss enjoys it more on the elevator;
I don't cry much -
- but I do howl at the moon;
I don't cry much -
- but you mop up the milk;
I don't cry much -
- except to attract attention;
I don't cut my hair much -
- but maybe I should start wearing a dress;
I don't cut my hair much -
- gender isn't important to me;
I don't cut my hair much -
- I don't care about community standards;
I don't cut my hair much -
- I don't care if your boss fires you;
I don't cut my hair much -
- I don't care if your neighbors shun you;
I don't cut my hair much -
- it's time the world learns who is boss;
I don't cut my hair much -
- nobody tells me what to do;
I don't cut my hair much -
- plumbers need your money more than you do;
I don't cut my hair much -
- the vote was unanimous to elect me Homecoming Queen;
I don't cut my hair much -
- until just before my drug test;
I don't dance much -
- when not on your grave;
I don't dance much -
- with my clothes on;
I don't demand a room much -
- there's always the back seat of your car;
I don't do anything wrong much -
- so why are there 10 police cars outside;
I don't dream much -
- about working for a living;
I don't dream much -
- about you;
I don't dress appropriately much -
- no, not ever;
I don't dress up much -
- good grooming is for horses;
I don't drink coffee or tea much -
- when hosts serve toasty coke and pot;
I don't drink much -
- water;
I don't drive much -
- when I'm sober;
I don't drive my own car much -
- when you buy fuel for your car;
I don't dwell on the past much -
- or on the future, either;
I don't eat meat much -
- because my ancestors were ruminants;
I don't eat much -
- more than most vultures;
I don't eat much -
- that I cook myself;
I don't eat much -
- that isn't expensive;
I don't eat too much -
- at presidential balls;
I don't entertain much -
- in the front seat;
I don't entertain strangers much -
- but people I just met are my "friends";
I don't exercise much -
- in my own bed;
I don't finish the job much -
- after I get paid;
I don't flirt much -
- with my own spouse;
I don't fool around much -
- only with the butcher, baker, and candlestick maker;
I don't fuss at you much -
- screaming is more like it;
I don't get drunk much -
- because I'm never sober;
I don't get ideas at home much -
- now that I am married;
I don't get permanents much -
- when my "friends" dye their hair green;
I don't get permanents much -
- when my "friends" wear rings in their nose;
I don't give you credit much -
- but do open an account for me;
I don't give you much -
- so here is a little STD that will keep you company for life;
I don't go out at night much -
- unless the moon is full;
I don't go to funerals much -
- but I'll make an exception for yours;
I don't go to see my grandparents much -
- they don't have a cook or a maid;
I don't go to see my grandparents much -
- they won't buy me a ticket to Shangri-la;
I don't go to technical school much -
- when taxpayers pay me for not working;
I don't go to the doctor much -
- I get my drugs on the street;
I don't gossip much -
- I have too many secrets of my own;
I don't have extracurricular diversity much -
- if they aren't married;
I don't have unprotected visitations much -
- at High Noon on Main Street;
I don't hear much -
- that I don't want to hear;
I don't hear much -
- when you are in Room 101;
I don't hear much -
- when you tell me the facts of life;
I don't hug you much -
- unless you pay for the privilege;
I don't hurt much -
- when you are sick;
I don't keep my side of the bargain much -
- at the last minute I'll reveal my new rules;
I don't laugh much -
- but you will cry before this is over;
I don't laugh much -
- unless the joke's on you;
I don't like a messy house much -
- so get busy and clean it up;
I don't like abortions much -
- it cuts into the future AK-47 market;
I don't like altruism much -
- when it must start with me;
I don't like cold weather much -
- so buy me a furnace;
I don't like college courses much -
- when they involve learning something practical;
I don't like college teaching much -
- when my office doesn't have a cot and a microwave;
I don't like colleges much -
- when they don't sanction freedom without work;
I don't like colleges much -
- when they don't teach disrespect for workers;
I don't like crime much -
- so let's make everything legal;
I don't like daylight much -
- but vampires never do;
I don't like dirty words much -
- but sleeping on a filthy floor soothes my spirit;
I don't like dogs much -
- but wolves are the house special;
I don't like giving "personal favors" much -
- when there's no favor in return;
I don't like guns much -
- so give my share to Ireland or the Balkans;
I don't like high-tech salaries much -
- so lets import more foreign workers;
I don't like hot weather much -
- so buy me an air conditioning unit;
I don't like housework much -
- so you do it after you get home from your job;
I don't like judges much -
- when they take my license and my car away;
I don't like kids much -
- when they aren't fried, broiled, or stewed;
I don't like math much -
- when the money doesn't add up to more than I earn;
I don't like maturity much -
- I want to be a crybaby jerk forever;
I don't like medals much -
- but my credentials are bogus;
I don't like messengers much -
- except to shoot them;
I don't like much -
- that you give me;
I don't like New Orleans "fancy girls" much -
- when they call me "father";
I don't like noise much -
- unless I am making it;
I don't like old folks much -
- when they don't agree with my version of the rules;
I don't like old folks much -
- when they don't believe my version of the truth;
I don't like old folks much -
- when they leave their property to charity;
I don't like parades much -
- except in Ireland and the West Bank;
I don't like police very much -
- when they don't let me drive without a license;
I don't like pornographers much -
- but I solicit their advertising dollars;
I don't like poverty anywhere very much -
- so you must do something about it;
I don't like poverty much -
- so give me your life savings;
I don't like prisons much -
- so let's put bars on the house;
I don't like raw food much -
- so buy me a stove;
I don't like raw food much -
- so hire a cook;
I don't like rules much -
- so let me rule your life;
I don't like schools much -
- when they don't feed my unearned self-esteem;
I don't like schools much -
- when they don't let me play, play, play;
I don't like schools much -
- when they won't give me a diploma for free;
I don't like science much -
- when dogma has all the answers;
I don't like slavery much -
- unless I am the master;
I don't like slavery much -
- unless you are the slave;
I don't like spoiled food much -
- so buy me a refrigerator;
I don't like starving children on TV much -
- so let's link the U.N. budget to pro-life politics;
I don't like success stories much -
- so let me tell you about my latest failure;
I don't like success stories much -
- so let's stop them with more taxes;
I don't like taxpayers much -
- when they object to paying for my mistakes;
I don't like the opposite sex much -
- that's why I look only in the bottom of the barrel;
I don't like to do without much -
- so buy me this and buy me that;
I don't like to pray much -
- when preying is much more fun;
I don't like to see homeless people much -
- so give them your house;
I don't like to see hungry people much -
- so give them the food off your plate;
I don't like to sleep in a nice clean bed much -
- when a dirty floor satisfies my masochism;
I don't like to swim in deep water much -
- I'm really just a very shallow person;
I don't like to wash dishes much -
- so we use paper plates;
I don't like to whine much -
- when screeching gets on your nerves more;
I don't like to work much -
- at any job listed in the classified section;
I don't like to work much -
- at any job that pays a living wage;
I don't like to work much -
- for competitive marketplace wages;
I don't like to work much -
- so you bail out the boat;
I don't like to work much -
- so you build the barn;
I don't like to work much -
- so you dig the foxhole;
I don't like to work much -
- so you drain the swamp;
I don't like to work much -
- so you feed the chickens;
I don't like to work much -
- so you fix the car;
I don't like to work much -
- so you get your hands dirty;
I don't like to work much -
- so you milk the cows;
I don't like to work much -
- so you paint the house;
I don't like to work much -
- so you pay the bills;
I don't like to work much -
- so you plant the garden;
I don't like to work much -
- so you repair the sewers;
I don't like to work much -
- so you scrub the toilets;
I don't like to work much -
- so you shine my shoes;
I don't like to work much -
- so you shock the oats;
I don't like to work much -
- so you slop the hogs;
I don't like to work much -
- when I am not in the mood;
I don't like to work much -
- when I am uncomfortable;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get bored;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get sick;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get tired;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get too cold;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get too hot;
I don't like to work much -
- when I get too wet;
I don't like to work much -
- when slaves are so cheap;
I don't like to work much -
- when there is no prestige in it;
I don't like to work much -
- when you can work for me;
I don't like war much -
- so let's breed more soldiers;
I don't like war much -
- so let's give high-tech weapons to both sides;
I don't like you much -
- when you talk about responsibility;
I don't like you much -
- when you tell me what to do;
I don't like you much -
- when you won't give me money;
I don't like you much -
- when you won't pay my bills;
I don't listen much -
- when I might learn something;
I don't make mistakes much -
- but the whole world is out to get me;
I don't "march to a different drummer" much -
- a "heavy metal" band is more like it;
I don't need a cash deposit much -
- for a bed at the shelter;
I don't need a down payment much -
- for a tent;
I don't need an alarm clock much -
- I usually get home after it goes off;
I don't need car insurance much -
- but I wrecked your car again this morning;
I don't need medical insurance much -
- when free clinic wait time is only 3 days;
I don't need money much -
- I can barter my body for a sleeping spot in the dirt;
I don't need much -
- that the taxpayers can't provide;
I don't need much -
- to get me boiling mad;
I don't need property insurance much -
- when the government declares disasters;
I don't need to work and save much -
- I want to play now, and you can pay later;
I don't need unusual attention much -
- but where are the whips and chains;
I don't open the door much -
- when it isn't a wolf knocking;
I don't party much -
- until the night before finals;
I don't pay for my own mistakes much -
- when that is your responsibility;
I don't pay much -
- for your gifts to me;
I don't pay my own bills much -
- my pleasures and toys are more urgent;
I don't pay my own bills much -
- until they come after me;
I don't pay my own bills much -
- when welfare is available;
I don't micturate on the floor much -
- just the walls and the ceiling;
I don't plan ahead much -
- beyond the next 5 minutes;
I don't plan ahead much -
- there is always the last minute;
I don't plan my own schedule much -
- when you pay the bills;
I don't play much -
- when not by myself;
I don't pray much -
- when I can prey in school;
I don't profit much -
- from experience;
I don't promise much -
- that you don't own;
I don't punctuate my sentences much -
- I'm always missing my periods;
I don't put fresh flowers in the window much -
- when no-work toadstools are just outside;
I don't read books much -
- when pornography gives me more ideas;
I don't read much -
- beyond 4th grade level;
I don't read much -
- except the comics and sports section;
I don't read much -
- that wise people write;
I don't read much -
- when I can drink beer and shoot pool;
I don't rent a room for the night much -
- by the hour is more my style;
I don't sacrifice much -
- when you look so good on a cross;
I don't say "yes" much -
- but don't you ever, ever say "no";
I don't say "yes" much -
- when the basketball team plays out of town games;
I don't scrub floors much -
- when you only work 12 hours a day;
I don't see much -
- that would get me called as a witness;
I don't see you through rose-colored glasses much -
- the color of money is green;
I don't send flowers much -
- and I can't find any poison ivy;
I don't set priorities much -
- when I have all the time in the world;
I don't set priorities much -
- and your name fell off the list;
I don't sin much -
- for I was born perfect;
I don't sing much -
- in tune;
I don't sleep in my clothes much -
- on Saturday night;
I don't sleep much -
- in my own bed;
I don't sleep much -
- when I'm not driving;
I don't sleep much -
- when I'm not in class;
I don't sleep naked much -
- when my spouse is home;
I don't smoke much -
- in my coffin;
I don't smoke much -
- unless my neighbor has asthma;
I don't smoke much -
- when gasoline isn't near;
I don't speak much -
- I haven't had a new idea in 20 years;
I don't stay home at night much -
- when you must pick up the pieces;
I don't sweep the bedroom floor much -
- for hogs don't have a floor in their pen;
I don't sweep the floor much -
- when dust bunnies are so cute;
I don't take a bath at night much -
- when you can air out the mattress;
I don't take a bath before "friendship" much -
- when antibiotics are so cheap;
I don't take much -
- that belongs to me;
I don't take much -
- that isn't yours;
I don't take out the trash much -
- you can pay for your own meals;
I don't take "no" for an answer much -
- practice now, say "yes", Yes", "YES";
I don't talk much -
- about my 1000 other "friends";
I don't talk much -
- unless they give me immunity from prosecution;
I don't talk much -
- when I know what I am talking about;
I don't tell much -
- except to all the football team;
I don't tempt much -
- when there's no profit in it;
I don't thank you for gifts much -
- when you owe them to me;
I don't think much -
- about my responsibilities;
I don't think much -
- about working for a living;
I don't think much -
- about your problems;
I don't think much -
- when dogma has all the answers;
I don't throw up on restaurant floors much -
- when a neighboring table is closer;
I don't travel much -
- when I have to work to pay for it;
I don't try much -
- unless I can get away with it;
I don't try to improve myself much -
- when stupid "friends" accept me as I am;
I don't turn off the MUZAK much -
- we have too many customers;
I don't use dope much -
- this is my usual obnoxious self;
I don't visit with my mother on weekends much -
- she's too busy cleaning my room;
I don't visit with my mother on weekends much -
- she's too busy doing my laundry;
I don't walk much -
- when you pay for my car;
I don't walk "on the wild side" much -
- I get my entertainment from "friends";
I don't want much -
- more than you own;
I don't want to be a "free spirit" much -
- so you will pay and pay and pay;
I don't want to be dependent much -
- but you pay the rent;
I don't want to wash THAT dress much -
- I can frame it and charge admission;
I don't want your advice much -
- but do give me some money;
I don't wash my bottom much -
- unless your wash cloth is handy;
I don't wash my clothes much -
- when you can buy me new outfits;
I don't wash my face much -
- when makeup looks better;
I don't watch TV much -
- unless the program is gory and violent;
I don't wear conservative clothing much -
- on the job;
I don't wear cool clothing much -
- in summer;
I don't wear warm clothing much -
- in winter;
I don't whistle much -
- but I always blow off steam;
I don't wish much -
- for the possible;
I don't work for a living much -
- when that is your job;
I don't work much -
- when I can find a sucker to support me;
I don't work much -
- when play is so much more fun;
I don't worry about AIDS much -
- and I am immune to all other diseases;
I don't worry about AIDS much -
- when I don't plan to visit Africa;
I don't worry about birth control much -
- when preachers force money from taxpayers;
I don't worry about borrowing from the bank much -
- they will accept your blood for the payback;
I don't worry about drug smuggling much -
- when stoned surgeons have steady hands;
I don't worry about money much -
- I can always rent out your body to my "friends";
I don't worry about my eventual old age much -
- when that is your responsibility;
I don't worry about nicotine impotence much -
- now that there is Viagra;
I don't worry about privacy much -
- we can sell tickets to our gymnasium performance;
I don't worry about schedules or money much -
- so, I'm always "a day late and a dollar short";
I don't write home much -
- from an Amsterdam bordello;
I don't write much -
- so get a slave to keep the account books;
I don't write much -
- so you write the check;
I don't write much -
- unless I want something;
I don't write much -
- when occasional flowers will con you.


NOTES

Imitation Empathy In 'Relationships'
Masks Alienation From Rejected Values

1. The "pop" psychology interpretation of "empathy" implies caring about the feelings of another ("I can feel your pain -") as if that person is personally loved or important. In fact, however, no such explicit positive projection is actually inherent in the dictionary definition of "empathy" (1904).

This narrative takes advantage of that omission to present (false) empathy as a weapon that is often used to exploit naive associates, "friends", and even family members. Thus, it becomes a one-sided tool and a fraud. It can be recognized through the typical (implied) statement "if you loved me, you would do (or buy) this for me ... ". (A responsible adult, however, should be doing these things for self by determining goals, setting priorities, planning and scheduling the necessary tasks, and doing the actual work required.)

2. The free-form listing of "what if" entries was written in "spoof" (1897) style. However, "between the lines" a serious message can be found about the "singles scene" love and family life on and off college campuses.

3. The ideas are couched in double entendres, euphemisms, American idioms, and American slang blended together in an amorphus composition that mirrors today's alienated youth.

Pre-adolescent children and those with a limited English language vocabulary won't "get it" at all.

"Politically correct" college administrators will join with the theocratic right in denying that this harsh satire presents a fair picture of a frightening sub-culture, which is already out of their control.

4. High school and college students now use the words "friend" and "relationship" in creative ways that are ambiguous and obscure to "outsiders" (and elders, of course). (In a conversation with Alice in "Through The Looking Glass", Humpty Dumpty demonstrated a similar non-definition of words".) In this current narrative, "friend" and "relationship" are shown in quotes. The reader must make a subjective interpretation that may or may not be what the author was thinking. Have fun!

5. In the entries, the male-female roles are interchanged and/or mixed. First one, then the other. Often the final determination is subjective.

6. No particular individual is implied as the subject of any entry, so don't play the game of "does this shoe fit me". Most of the entries are derived from actual observations of human activity over several decades. Some single entries represent combinations of observed behavior of two or more individuals, or even many individuals when the activity is common in an age group or social class.

7. For some of the entries the author was thinking about the cartoon character "Moonbeam McSwine" from the popular "Li'l Abner" series drawn by Al Capp about fifty years ago. This lovely brunette was dressed only in discarded rags and made her bed with the hogs. The cartoonist implied that pigs were her best friends, so naturally she would object to wallets made from pigskin.

8. Note that "pray" and "prey" are two different words.

9. "Room 101" is the infamous torture chamber in the book "1984" by George Orwell.

10. For one entry the author remembered that "sack" and "bag" are different regional vernacular expressions which have the same meaning. To avoid confusion, the word "pillow" was substituted.

11. "STD" is an English-language acronym for "Sexually Transmitted Disease". There are more than 20 different STDs, and up to 50 percent of adolescents and young adults have been or are infected. Some of these diseases aren't easy to detect or diagnose, and others besides AIDS are incurable. Even those that are curable are becoming more resistant to antibiotics and other specialized drugs. Scientists race against time to develop new medicines to replace those that become ineffective. As always, the best cure is prevention.

Some American tourists in Southern Europe and North Africa pick up nasty infections caused by parasites.

It has been whispered that a few military people returning from Southeast Asia brought home "presents" for which there is no known cure. There were even rumors that some of these diseases are so deadly that the military has hidden such "victims" on secluded islands, never to be heard from again!

In the male some non-specific infections come back again and again, even after apparent successful treatment with antibiotics. In the female some viral infections can lead to cancer (and possible death) many years later. Others can cause blindness in newborn infants.

One ancient disease was a problem for Columbus, and can be passed on to innocent babies and deform them. It can be a trickster by going into a latent stage lasting many years. Then it can cause paralysis, insanity, and death. A notorious victim of this disease was Al Capone, the Chicago gangster.

The American Social Health Association (ASHA) is a private organization funded by donations. ASHA operates the National STD Hotline under contract with the Division of STD Prevention at the Center for Disease Control (CDC), a federal research agency. Links to both organizations and several STD sites are included with the "Medical Reference Sources" shown below. Ominous case statistics are shown at these sites. Irresponsible young people who risk getting STDs are careless because they are oblivious to the danger. They do not realize that some STDs have always been incurable, and that others are becoming incurable except by heroic treatment methods, because formerly powerful antibiotics are beginning to fail. The organisms are mutating faster than pharmaceutical research laboratories can design new antibiotics.

12. The expression New Orleans "fancy girls" refers to the pre-Civil War era (about 1812) practice of selling the beautiful daughters of miscegenation through the slave markets in New Orleans. From there they were recruited into upper-class bordellos catering to rich men.

The author had a North Carolina ancestor who named his wife, eight sons, and four daughters as heirs in his Will. The Will was recorded in 1854. The following bequests are quite revealing:

" - one - woman named Sara and child Channy,
-. -. - - also the increase"
" - one - girl named Caroline."
" - one - girl named Senith and her increase,"
" - one - girl named Ginne and her increase,"
" - one - girl named Sara,"
" - one - boy named Harris,"

The boy and two of the girls (and the "increase" of one of them) were given to three of the male heirs. Apparently there were no adult male slaves.

Most likely these historical figures felt "empathy" toward their female slaves. Thus, there is nothing new about mutual exploitation, but in those days it was formalized into a brutal class system defended by political power, self-serving law, and naked force. However, in practice the strict rules of segregation broke down in the bedroom and behind the barn.

Perhaps the sickness of society today is a direct descendant of the slavery system. It is a demonstrated fact that most fathers still "sell" their daughters into a life of slavery and poverty. Beginning at an early age, most mothers still "prepare" their daughters for that life by teaching them how to manipulate all males for money, gifts, or outright lifetime support as a "dependent". The current legal system still encourages and enforces that fantasy. (See the link to "Slugs In The Garden" below.)

Copyright 1998, 2002

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"Misty"
arranged by and
used with the permission of
Don Carroll



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